Woman Like A Man

We are the amazons. We are the tough, industrial strength women. The ones who believe in climbing mountains and ladders and out of tough situations. We will ourselves into these gender neutral roles and then wonder why there's conflict. It's like trying to be straight, when you're not. It's like when you try to be older, but you're not. It's like when try to be honest, but you're not. It never works out well. There is never is enough of a shell to cover up everything you don't want to show.

When you are that woman who wants to own the world, and not need a man. You look for a man that let's you be that. And then where does that get you? You sit there frustrated because he gives you what you want. You want to be independent. You want him to expect that you can handle yourself. You want him not to coddle you. You want him to treat you like you can stand up for yourself. And he gives you all of that. He treats you like a man.

So what happens, when you don't have enough man in you to cover up the woman on the inside. What happens when you want to be taken care of and comforted? What happens when you crave romance and tenderness? What happens when you want to be treated for what you are...a woman?

Can I have love and freedom? Can I have support and support you? Can I find my own way, but send you an invite? Can I wear pants too? Can I be me and you be you? Can I just have a hug?

Modesty is prension when you're good.

Every once and a while. I watch a show or a movie, and I find myself moved. My friends say I just get to into it. I think that I believe them. I probably do.

I can't help but want to sympathize with one of the characters. I can't help it. I'm honest enough with myself (or so I would like to believe) that I am not always the heroine/hero. Actually quite frequently, I'm the villain or the sidekick. But, I've noticed something horrible. There's still a trend. Typically I'm....

female
ethnic
long haired

...and those ones are easy, but it's the other ones that make me terrified of introspection:

neurotic
workaholic
severe trouble in love

...and it worried me. Because I feel like these trends have been constant since my first chick flick. I'm always picking Mr. Unavailable, though the cause of the unavailability tends to vary. Sometimes he's to consumed by work or school...or his childhood. But for whatever reason, he's always unavailable. I think I thought that I was immune to this, because I don't typically have trouble getting the ones I want. I know that sounds egotistical, but it's not. Modesty is pretentious when you're good. Thanks R.C.

Distantly Affectionate,
Ava

And so she sits there like America, suffering through slow reform.

He is a winner. Let's just say that.

We're dating. We have been since January. At some point I will try to get you caught up on our history. The anthology of the tracks; where both sides of the tracks meet.

We fight. Regularly. A lot. To the point where I constantly find myself wanting to throw in the towel and just get out. I can only remember one other relationship with this kind of despondent frequency; the boy. But again, a story for another time.

The winner and I argue about everything it feels like, or at least it did until I really thought about what the fighting was about. I realized it yesterday. We fight about two things; the winner fitting into my life, and the winner not trying hard enough (ironic, I know.) This is frustrating because as I've expressed to him, I do not struggle with either of these issues. He's never complained of me not trying or not trying to fit into his life. There has never been any need.

I go crazy slowly, painfully, because I feel some obligation to hang on. Probably because someone was kind enough to do it for me. To make me believe it was possible.

The winner? He must have no idea. He has this attitude that screams "I don't need you" "you are optional to my life" "girls will come and go" but he wants me to believe he will stay. He wants me to make a commitment to him to stay. To hold still. To be patient. To be exclusive.

I gave him an analogy the other day. I didn't realize just how much it applied. He was cooking. I was trying to have a deep conversation. I'm very attentive and a greatly pensive person. Needless to say I was frustrated by his distraction. But I didn't want to fight. I didn't want an unnecessary reason to argue. So I found something to occupy myself so that I would be as distracted and therefore more tolerant.

That's how he is. He wants my full attention, while he divides his attention between other things.

Perhaps the solution is for me to divide my attention too?

You'd think. Except he wants to control that. He would want to pick what I would not be allowed to divide my attention between. Despite the fact that I don't get, nor do I ask for, any say in his distractions.

His reaction instead? My way or the highway. Awesome. And he wonders why I tend to treat him like a child.

Distantly Affectionate,
Ava

Where do i begin?

You always look at the ones who are still single. You wonder what's wrong with them. After all, the good ones are always taken, right? So does that mean that there's something wrong with the rest of us? I'm single. Kind of. Let me introduce myself. My name is Ava. I'm 23. I'm just finishing school and terrified about starting the real world, the real life. I will admit I'm one of those that wanted to linger a little longer in the comfortable bubble of being a "college kid." You know how often you give them the breaks. You say, "well, he's still in school", or "she's still a college kid". I guess I still wanted to be able to use that as an excuse. I can't anymore, now I have to grow up, or at least put on grown-up responsibilities. Ready to join me? My little adventure of my first year on my own. I want to document the troubles. The difficult stuff. The easy stuff. Tips and tricks I've learned along the way. Thank you for being here for the ride.

Distantly Affectionate,
Ava