And so she sits there like America, suffering through slow reform.

He is a winner. Let's just say that.

We're dating. We have been since January. At some point I will try to get you caught up on our history. The anthology of the tracks; where both sides of the tracks meet.

We fight. Regularly. A lot. To the point where I constantly find myself wanting to throw in the towel and just get out. I can only remember one other relationship with this kind of despondent frequency; the boy. But again, a story for another time.

The winner and I argue about everything it feels like, or at least it did until I really thought about what the fighting was about. I realized it yesterday. We fight about two things; the winner fitting into my life, and the winner not trying hard enough (ironic, I know.) This is frustrating because as I've expressed to him, I do not struggle with either of these issues. He's never complained of me not trying or not trying to fit into his life. There has never been any need.

I go crazy slowly, painfully, because I feel some obligation to hang on. Probably because someone was kind enough to do it for me. To make me believe it was possible.

The winner? He must have no idea. He has this attitude that screams "I don't need you" "you are optional to my life" "girls will come and go" but he wants me to believe he will stay. He wants me to make a commitment to him to stay. To hold still. To be patient. To be exclusive.

I gave him an analogy the other day. I didn't realize just how much it applied. He was cooking. I was trying to have a deep conversation. I'm very attentive and a greatly pensive person. Needless to say I was frustrated by his distraction. But I didn't want to fight. I didn't want an unnecessary reason to argue. So I found something to occupy myself so that I would be as distracted and therefore more tolerant.

That's how he is. He wants my full attention, while he divides his attention between other things.

Perhaps the solution is for me to divide my attention too?

You'd think. Except he wants to control that. He would want to pick what I would not be allowed to divide my attention between. Despite the fact that I don't get, nor do I ask for, any say in his distractions.

His reaction instead? My way or the highway. Awesome. And he wonders why I tend to treat him like a child.

Distantly Affectionate,
Ava